life so far

this is my first blog in a long time.... wow.... i feel sooo lazy
life in boston is pretty good so far. my roomies are nice, ppl here are nice, and i think im going to love this place as soon as i get used to it.

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i went to church yesterday for the first time by my self. i felt scared, confused, and foreign to it bc it wasnt my DAD's church. people there was pretty nice and they got me in to a bible study group really fast. the church is in Cambridge so i have to commute a little but i like it bc it gives me time to relax and get ready for the service. the church has around 200-300 college students and so its not a small size that im dealing with right now and i felt so lost bc i didnt know anyone and it seemed like everyone was friends and excited to see each other. when the main service and the student service was over we had a bible study group meeting and it was soooo weird bc no one was talking. so we went out for coffee, like most korean church kids would do on a sunday afternoon after church, and we started talking, actually THEY did and i kept quiet. and right off of that everyone was talking and laughing and having a good time while i just watched them. i felt out of the loop bc they had their friends with them and they all knew each other stuff like that.

so after that i volunteered to be in the praise band bc i wanted to serve like i have for the past 18 years of my life and that wasnt going to change just because i went to college. but when i asked the leader looked at me and said that "well.... the kid(next to me) volunteered first so i dont know whats going to happen but u can show up to practice and we'll see about that" and i guess i felt discouraged and unwanted. but i stood up for my self and kept reminding my self that what im going to do is for him and not for the people so i shouldnt worry about what others say about me. and so after all of that our group was going to go to noraebang together at night and so i was waiting in my dorm for a text, a call, or anything to tell me when we are going to meet. it never came. there was no phone call, text, or anything till 11 that night. and they said "sorry, i thought u were with everyone else so i forgot to call u. my bad" and that was it.

i felt really sad but my personality didnt let me be sad bc i reminded my self that 'whatever. whatever they do they do and what i do i do so dont worry about it bc u have better things to do in boston than going to play at night' so that is what i did. i went up to my dorm and read the bible and prayed. prayed for straight to fight, knowledge to succeed, confidence to believe in myself as well as by family in florida, and faith so i can become a better christ follower than yesterday and the day before that. i prayed for the unconditional love that he has over me and so one day i can give that love to people around me with out judging and pointing fingers. i prayed for my health and my family's health. as well as the church that i went to so that it can grow and become a better place for students in the boston area to feel welcomed in to.

i decided that i cant fool around anymore. i MUST become a better person with a brand new attitude, mind set, and a new goal: to farther my relationship with him more than anything in the world. so because of that im planning to go to the early services at the church to start my day with the word and to feel loved by him even more that i am now. and i believe through that i can succeed in anything i want. and so staring this sat im going to go to the morning service at 6:30 and go to the praise band practice at 8:30 and just pray and try to live in the word so that i can become a better person in his eyes, in my eyes, and also in the eyes of others around me. 

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as i stated before, i believe that the school has TOO many koreans. and i felt really bad bc starting on the first day all the koreans were only hanging out with the other koreans and everyone stared at us really weird. bc all of them are FOBs and i was more of a twinky i felt out of place and i didnt belong there. but if i dont go with them i had no other "friends" in college bc my roomies had other friends to hang out with. and so when ever we had a meeting, a lesson, or at lunch all of the koreans were together and i could feel the stares of others onto us and it felt as if we had a hole on our foreheads or signs saying "look at us we are only going to hang out with our ppl bc we dont like anyone but us"

i think its time for me to become a true twinky again. not because i dont like the koreans but because i dont want to be the one to get kicked out bc im hanging out with the party koreans, which most of them seem to be, and im here to study so that is what im going to do.

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all of my roomies are awesome! they are so nice to me and makes me feel safe and secure here in boston. the one thing that i am very sorry to them is that i dont really like to hang out with ppl that much or as much as "normal" people seemed to be capable of doing. and i feel really bad about this bc i AM such a nonsocial person and i am very boring and annoying that i feel soooooooo so bad about it. i hope in the future they will forgive me bc it is hard to change my personality from nonsocial to social. but other than that i think we are good. they do go out every night but that is what college is about. just going out and hanging out with friends, something i cant do. i hope in the future they will get to understand that this is my personality and i dont hate them or something bc they are REALLY nice.

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so to sun it all up, college is going to be interesting but when, or if, i make some new non-korean friends i feel like its going to be better than now. so my goals for this year until graduation is as follows
1) become a better christ follower and so that in the future when people sees me they can see him through me
2) do well in school. bc the tuition here are super expensive i HAVE to do well and support my family when i get out.
3) graduate in 2016 with honors. this goes with the second one.
4) make some, notice i didnt say a lot, of good friends and will support me and help me through this journey
5) to realize who i am and how to journey will make of who i am in the future.
6) if possible, to find someone that will support me in what ever i do for me. someone that will be more than a friend to me. someone closer.

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i think this has been the longest post that i had... wow....
ill try to write more to those who are reading but this is mostly where i can talk freely and really show my true self that no one had seen. yay college...