hey. it feels weird that im typing this in my blog but read what i want to say, that i cant say to your face because i am a coward...
everyday you text me "is there any lit homework today?" and whenever i answer you back you never text me back. maybe its because you are studying or really busy but i really want to have more conversations with you because you are my precious friend that i would like to be with. i wish that we could talk more and be more truthful to each other. i know that half of this problem is my fault, because i dont like to open up to people, but i wish that i could contact you when ever i feel sad, depressed, or just to talk. i wish we could hang out together and have fun with each other like other people and their friends. but i guess this is my selfish with that i have... because i know that you probably dont feel like that to me because i'm really annoying... but my one wish, that i hope that you will fulfill for me, is that we can ask each other "how was your day?" or just talk to each other more... because at the end of the day i want to say to you "im glad i have a friend like you whom i can trust and say anything to."
2009년 12월 12일 토요일
2009년 11월 28일 토요일
The meaning of "thanksgiving"
On thanksgiving morning i cried uncontrollably because i thought it was a good idea to look through some pictures from years back. but little did i know, those pictures made me cry so much because it reminded me of my mom and how much i missed her. the day before thanksgiving my dad asked me what i was thanking God for and i told him that i was thankful for my dad living, our family not falling apart, how God gave us the strength to persevere through this, and just everything that happened. i guess you could say that i had a "good" thanksgiving because i got so much out of it but it was a lonely thanksgiving as well...
2009년 11월 13일 금요일
I guess i'm just ____________.
1) I guess i'm just annoying.- i felt like this because i was always trying to act "happy" that i prob gotten a little annoying to others around me and so they prob ignore me as much as possible. and i agree. I'm not fun to be with... I just get in to other people's business and try to find out about the other person as much as possible so i can help them. but i guess that "helping" them was a bad idea... because people DO get tired of me and I'm also getting tired of my self. So i guess if i AM going to MCPHS in Boston it would be a good chance to change my self to be less annoying.
2) I guess i'm just lonely.- I've been getting that a lot. that, going with #1, im just a character that makes others tired and so i feel lonely all the time. maybe its because most of my friends has their best friends that they can talk to or they have their own boy/girlfriend and so they dont need to talk to me. i feel like fall brings out all the loneliness in a person. i want to go out with my friends, have someone that i can depend on, and just be really happy... but maybe that is a wild dream that can never be achieved.
3) I guess i'm just over looking at friendships- i wrote in my phone that "I think it is so amazing that friendships of many years are next to nothing, but friendships that i made at a little summer camp lasts a life time... but i guess this is life. friendships are nothing but a fake smile on the face. waiting to betray you. waiting to devour you when it is time to say 'goodbye'. and when that time comes what will i do? will i cry? be happy? confused? what will the other person say? would THEY be sad? happy? confused? OR would they laugh at me because i take things too literal? what would happen to me when that time comes?" And i think i what wrote on my phone is true in come cases. some friendships are made to last long but others just fail. maybe that is why no one wants to be with me... maybe i'm just a terrible friend...
4) i guess i'm just ____________________.- now you fill out this part!! what do you think about me??
2) I guess i'm just lonely.- I've been getting that a lot. that, going with #1, im just a character that makes others tired and so i feel lonely all the time. maybe its because most of my friends has their best friends that they can talk to or they have their own boy/girlfriend and so they dont need to talk to me. i feel like fall brings out all the loneliness in a person. i want to go out with my friends, have someone that i can depend on, and just be really happy... but maybe that is a wild dream that can never be achieved.
3) I guess i'm just over looking at friendships- i wrote in my phone that "I think it is so amazing that friendships of many years are next to nothing, but friendships that i made at a little summer camp lasts a life time... but i guess this is life. friendships are nothing but a fake smile on the face. waiting to betray you. waiting to devour you when it is time to say 'goodbye'. and when that time comes what will i do? will i cry? be happy? confused? what will the other person say? would THEY be sad? happy? confused? OR would they laugh at me because i take things too literal? what would happen to me when that time comes?" And i think i what wrote on my phone is true in come cases. some friendships are made to last long but others just fail. maybe that is why no one wants to be with me... maybe i'm just a terrible friend...
4) i guess i'm just ____________________.- now you fill out this part!! what do you think about me??
2009년 11월 3일 화요일
Being Lonely
So lately I've been feeling down and I can't express this feeling. I guess it is loneliness + depression + all the negative energy... I felt like this because I just get the feeling that when ever people tell me that "I'm here for you so what ever you need just call" is not true because i get the feeling that everyone calm them selves down from that event even though I'm suffering right now and I just can't open up to people right now by my self. And I just realized that the "friendship" that I have with so many people is "fake" because I guess that no one cares for me anymore. Like this Sunday when I got in to a car accident no one asked me is I was ok at church. The only thing that they ask ed me was "was it you fault?" and that kinda hurt me because I was having an emotional brake down because of what happened with my mom and for them to just ask "is it your fault?" was unnecessary. Also at school no one really cared that I was a little injured they were all like "oh... whatever" attitude... and not to say that they are all like that because a few of my friends, my sisters, really cared for me and truly asked if i was ok and stuff, which I am thankful for that.
I guess it is so weird because the ones that asked if I WAS ok was the non-christian sisters and the christian "friends and people" were like "i don't care about your problem why are you being so annoying and telling me this kind of things..." attitude. I guess I just can't trust anyone anymore to be there for me when ever I need something.
But thanks to my two lovely Chinese sisters that I can still have that little hope of thinking that someone cares for me!!! =]
I guess it is so weird because the ones that asked if I WAS ok was the non-christian sisters and the christian "friends and people" were like "i don't care about your problem why are you being so annoying and telling me this kind of things..." attitude. I guess I just can't trust anyone anymore to be there for me when ever I need something.
But thanks to my two lovely Chinese sisters that I can still have that little hope of thinking that someone cares for me!!! =]
2009년 10월 31일 토요일
My new blogging life
Hello who ever is reading this. I recently started blogging again and i guess it is a new adventure for me because i haven't blogged in a while... Anyway, the reason i started blogging again it because i felt like i had no place to really show my feelings and i guess it is easier online to do this rather than talking to an actual person... Because i usually don't show my true feeling out loud a lot this is a (scary) new thing. if you would like to leave any comments i would appreciate it!! =] (also tell me about what you think about my posts so i would have a motivation to write more because this is a new way for me to open up!!)
So the topic of my first post is that i recently fell in love with this one song (and it is korean so I'm sorry for those who cant understand or hate korean music). It is by g.o.d (Groove Over Dose) who were my favorite band in the 90's. The song is called 촛불하나 (or one candle) and what i like most about this song is the lyrics because it helped me feel better about my self and what my family has gone through. This song gave me a lot of courage and it actually, almost, brought me to tears because of the beautiful lyrics and the message in it.
So here are the Lyrics:
In this world,
There are many people who have less than we do.
For those who are struggling even now, we sing this song.
"Stay strong!"
Why is life so hard?
Who said that life was beautiful??
Since I was born, all that life gave me was more trials to overcome.
During those times, I looked into the mirror and asked myself,
"What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this only happening to me?"
It feels like it'll never change.
Not tomorrow, or even the day after.
Don't say that
Don't crumble under the pressure
Whatever life gives you
Whatever you receive
Whatever this unfair world offers you
If you just accept it
Wouldn't you be fighting it?
Would you give up?
Would you surrender to the life that fate dealt you?
Don't bow your head to the world, don't lose strength,
Look at us.
Chorus
When you're tired and exhausted, lean on me
I will always be by your side
So that you never feel like you're alone in this world,
I'll be right beside you, holding your hand.
It's too dark, I can't see the road
All I have on me is one match and one candle
What could I do with this one small candle?
How could the darkness leave by lighting this one candle?
I see the bright light far away in the distance
And here I am making vain efforts alone in the dark
I want to fly towards that bright light
But I can't - my wings fail me.
But that's not the case
So much can happen by lighting that one small candle
I believed that there was nothing else around me
But I discovered another small candle
And when I lit it, they became two
By the light of two candles, I can find more
And two becomes three, and three becomes four
And the darkness disappears
Do you remember?
We fought life without a father
That was the story of my childhood
It was true, and it was hard
But I didn't give up there,
I didn't lose my dream, I didn't lose my courage
I kept trying, and here I am now
Now I want to tell you
You can do it, too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgzcssEPtX4
I guess my first post ends here. I hope you enjoyed it because I enjoyed sharing my favorite song to you and I hope that you can feel the similar thing that I felt while i was listening to this song.
Love Chanyang
P.S I will prob be posting almost everyday so make sure to check every now and then... you know if you wanted to =D
So the topic of my first post is that i recently fell in love with this one song (and it is korean so I'm sorry for those who cant understand or hate korean music). It is by g.o.d (Groove Over Dose) who were my favorite band in the 90's. The song is called 촛불하나 (or one candle) and what i like most about this song is the lyrics because it helped me feel better about my self and what my family has gone through. This song gave me a lot of courage and it actually, almost, brought me to tears because of the beautiful lyrics and the message in it.
So here are the Lyrics:
In this world,
There are many people who have less than we do.
For those who are struggling even now, we sing this song.
"Stay strong!"
Why is life so hard?
Who said that life was beautiful??
Since I was born, all that life gave me was more trials to overcome.
During those times, I looked into the mirror and asked myself,
"What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this only happening to me?"
It feels like it'll never change.
Not tomorrow, or even the day after.
Don't say that
Don't crumble under the pressure
Whatever life gives you
Whatever you receive
Whatever this unfair world offers you
If you just accept it
Wouldn't you be fighting it?
Would you give up?
Would you surrender to the life that fate dealt you?
Don't bow your head to the world, don't lose strength,
Look at us.
Chorus
When you're tired and exhausted, lean on me
I will always be by your side
So that you never feel like you're alone in this world,
I'll be right beside you, holding your hand.
It's too dark, I can't see the road
All I have on me is one match and one candle
What could I do with this one small candle?
How could the darkness leave by lighting this one candle?
I see the bright light far away in the distance
And here I am making vain efforts alone in the dark
I want to fly towards that bright light
But I can't - my wings fail me.
But that's not the case
So much can happen by lighting that one small candle
I believed that there was nothing else around me
But I discovered another small candle
And when I lit it, they became two
By the light of two candles, I can find more
And two becomes three, and three becomes four
And the darkness disappears
Do you remember?
We fought life without a father
That was the story of my childhood
It was true, and it was hard
But I didn't give up there,
I didn't lose my dream, I didn't lose my courage
I kept trying, and here I am now
Now I want to tell you
You can do it, too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgzcssEPtX4
I guess my first post ends here. I hope you enjoyed it because I enjoyed sharing my favorite song to you and I hope that you can feel the similar thing that I felt while i was listening to this song.
Love Chanyang
P.S I will prob be posting almost everyday so make sure to check every now and then... you know if you wanted to =D
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